How much should you spend on Valentine’s Day?

What are you doing for Valentine’s Day this year? 

Lockdown has made no difference to my plans. Yes — for the umpteenth year running, the husband and I will be staying in for dinner à deux in our kitchen, this being more intimate than a crowded (not to mention expensive) meal in a restaurant. 

Dining out is obviously not an option this year due to Covid — but that’s not to say I haven’t been tempted by the ingenuity on offer with top restaurants peddling “finish at home” Valentine’s meal kits that can be delivered to your door.

Goodness knows the hospitality industry needs our support right now (well, that’s the excuse I use to justify ordering pizzas from our local Italian). But some of these boxes cost £150 ($200) or more for a meal for two. Maybe for a “proper” celebration like a birthday, or our wedding anniversary — just not a Sunday in mid-February.

Similarly, I won’t be miffed if armfuls of roses, expensive jewellery or perfume fail to be delivered.

You might think this is highly unromantic. Fortunately, the person I am married to does not. He knows there is no need for him to spend his way into my affections. But if you only received a crumpled card and a cup of tea in bed, would you feel less appreciated?

When I polled my followers on Instagram, the majority said they would also freak out if their partner wasted money by splashing out for the sake of it. Prudence, rather than extravagance, is a better quality in a life partner.

Martin Lewis, the Money Saving Expert, said that if your date pulled out a discount voucher after your first meal out, this did not make them a cheapskate, but was in fact a sign that you should marry them.

Nevertheless, financial incompatibility is an issue that dogs many couples, and often contributes to a break up.

Money causes the biggest strain on couples’ relationships, according to Relate, a charity providing relationship support. While the pandemic has given us more reason to worry about our finances, it hasn’t made us any more likely to talk about them.

In a survey for Talk Money Week last November, nine out of 10 UK adults said they didn’t find it any easier to talk about money during the pandemic, or didn’t even discuss money with their partner at all.

The economic fallout from Covid-19 may have affected one partner’s earnings more than the other. Debt levels could have increased; alternatively, their spending could have soared with online shopping relieving the boredom of lockdown. Frankly, I find it quite hard to hide deliveries of Emma Bridgewater pottery when we’re both at home 24/7.

Furthermore, Talk Money Week found a quarter of people in relationships suspected their partner had a “money secret” — hiding debts, a loan or even a savings account from them.

Most of the arguments about money that occurred in my house when I was growing up stemmed from there never being enough of it. Yet even the wealthiest couples have money issues, according to Matt Wesley, managing director at the Merrill Center for Family Wealth in the US.

One of the biggest frictions he sees within Merrill’s wealthy client base is the use of credit cards; specifically “people’s willingness to borrow to support a lifestyle,” he tells me.

It’s often a case of the bigger your income, the bigger your debts. “Instead of putting a washing machine on a credit card, it’s a trip in a Lear jet.”

So how can couples address imbalances without having a blazing row? The best way is to gain a better understand where each other’s beliefs about money are coming from.

Other common areas of conflict are shared by the less wealthy, including one partner earning more (or being worth more), leading to tension over who keeps what from their income, and how financial decisions are shared as a couple.

For example, one high-earning female client decided she’d pay for her garden to be professionally landscaped. Her husband bridled at the cost — she said it was her money. “He felt like he didn’t get a vote,” says Wesley.

Couples often have different risk profiles when it comes to investment. In older couples, it’s more common for one to have some degree of financial dependence on the other — leading to problems if they outlive their partner.

So how can couples address these imbalances without having a blazing row? The best way, Wesley says, is to gain a better understand where each other’s beliefs about money are coming from.

So, each sit down with a sheet of paper, and jot down some thoughts about what you think your parents both believed about money (and why). Next, think about where you agree or disagree with these views, and where your own beliefs are similar or different.

Why bother? All too often, our childhood experiences shape our future financial behaviour. For example, I remember being teased at school because my trainers came from a supermarket, not a flashy sports brand. When I became a step mum, I splashed out and bought all three kids amazing footwear. They were ecstatic, but my husband-to-be worried I was spoiling them.

In recognising where these types of behaviour are coming from, you might find you open up some space to challenge and discuss what’s triggering your actions — and your partner’s reactions.

Next, Wesley suggests, couples should work through their feelings on the following themes: earning, spending, saving, borrowing, investing and sharing (this can include charitable giving). Where is your thinking aligned, and where do you differ?

“Be curious” is his advice — you’re trying to listen and learn, establish some common ground and eventually, come to an agreement addressing whatever is causing the tension.

“Couples could decide that for three months, we’re going to cut up the credit cards or talk to each other before we make major purchases, see how that goes, and then evaluate,” he says. Other resolutions could involve setting a savings goal or spending more time (rather than money) with one another.

These sorts of exercises are not for the faint-hearted, but talking it out sounds much more palatable than having endless arguments about money. I wish you luck if you’re tempted to give it a go this Valentine’s weekend — but whether you do so over a £150 meal kit is entirely up to you.

Claer Barrett is the FT’s consumer editor, and a financial commentator on Eddie Mair’s LBC drive-time show, on weekdays between 4-7pm: claer.barrett@ft.com; Twitter @Claerb; Instagram @Claerb