‘I told my entire network that I am gay’

The author is a partner at City law firm Addleshaw Goddard

Earlier this month I wrote a post on LinkedIn that I’d been waiting to hit send on for possibly two months, but had been contemplating for several years. I had drafted the post time and again, rewritten it, then deleted it. Now the time felt right. In the post, I told my entire professional network that I’m gay and married to my husband Dave, and that as a gay man working in a senior position within financial services, I’ve faced discrimination.

I wrote about how someone whom I once regularly advised at a bank about 11 years ago found out about my sexuality. Because of this, he said he was no longer able to instruct me as his lawyer. This was said in a calm, to-the-point and business-like way, similar (I assume) to how a lawyer may be disinstructed because of poor performance, service delivery or bad advice. But this man made it clear that his decision solely related to my sexuality. Something which, of course, I can’t do anything about.

It was a jarring experience and one that stayed with me, adding to a fear that I share with many LGBTQ+ people, that though organisations may have practices to curtail discrimination, there are still many people who don’t want to work with us because of our sexuality. 

I have been “out” as gay to colleagues for most of my career and I can’t think of one negative experience I have had. As a junior lawyer, some 20 years ago, the partners encouraged me to be open about my sexuality, reassuring me that doing so would not have an impact on my career — and it never has within my own firm.

Where it’s been more of a challenge for me, and I suspect many others in the professional services sector, is in the business networking environment that is so key to generating clients, contacts and ultimately income.

So much of my role, leading social, sustainable and green finance for a law firm, is about the relationships you build outside the office. As much as I want to always fly the flag for the LGBTQ+ people, in situations with new or prospective clients I’ve often found myself expertly manoeuvring the conversation away from my home life.

I am in no way saying that most people working in business hold negative views — that’s absolutely not the case — but there’s always the worry. And then there’s the well-intentioned awkward assumption in networking, where a phrase like, “What does your wife do?” can hollow out a networking conversation at lighting speed.

For me, it only took that one example from a (former) client to totally inhibit me about being open about my sexuality with new and prospective clients for the next decade.

I hope, and expect, that overt discrimination is increasingly rare in the City. But more needs to be done to ensure that clandestine bias isn’t allowed to go unchallenged. Business leaders need to look beyond their workforce to ensure that overt or less-overt discrimination isn’t occurring within the wider business community under their watch.

The people who have acted as allies to me throughout my career have been essential and I’m deeply grateful to them. I encourage any leaders — or in fact anyone — to speak up in social, work and business network circles for LGBTQ+ rights. It might seem like gesturing, but vocal support for any minority group is a powerful tool for changing perceptions and helping people to be open about who they are.

My post had an overwhelming outpouring of support, including from colleagues, clients and even politicians — more than I could have imagined. People have told me about similar experiences they’ve had, and how, still, some find it incredibly difficult to come out at work. Young professionals who had been open about their sexuality at university have, I’ve learnt, sometimes felt the need to re-enter the closet when starting work in the City. 

Pride month, now in its 51st year, is a good time for organisations to start to go under the hood, to stamp out hidden discrimination in every form. Without it, the business world is being deprived of talented, hard-working people who will excel when they can be their true selves.

After sharing this part of myself across my entire business network, to everyone I work with and hope to work with in the future, I feel professionally unburdened for the first time in my career.

More importantly, I can say to my husband that I’m proud of our life together and not hiding our relationship from anyone. To be able to share such a basic part of one’s life shouldn’t be considered a privilege, and I do hope that within just a few years — with the support of businesses and allies — nobody will again have to fear that being themselves at work might come with a cost to their career.