‘Bad sex’ is the sexual red flag women miss

I know this because when guys write to me to complain about bad sex, they simply describe a boring bedroom encounter.

They’ll tell me about a partner who’s not very enthusiastic or adventurous, or lament their girlfriend just lays there “like a starfish”. (It never fails to irk me how many men are happy continuing sex with a completely motionless woman expressing no signs of enthusiastic consent.)

More often than not, this sex still results in his climax.

When women reach out to tell me about “bad sex”, it’s a very different story.

They detail physical discomfort or pain, feeling coerced or violated, and praying for their partner to hurry up and make it end.

This sex never results in her climax.

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What’s particularly striking about the dissonance between the way men and women view bad sex, is the fact both genders overwhelmingly attribute it to a defect in the woman.

Men will inquire about what they can do to “fix” their sexually apathetic wives, while women ask: “What’s wrong with me?”.

In a culture that prioritises male pleasure and treats female bodies as disposable commodities, it’s not entirely surprising most women see their role in sex as one of service to their partners, and men fail to recognise their own contribution at all.

Though my Twitter feed is inundated with fragile dudes insisting I’m a “man-hater” each time I point this out (which I always find humorous, given some of my best friends – and in fact, many of the most religious readers of this column – are straight men), this isn’t merely anecdotal. Research overwhelmingly confirms we disregard women’s comfort in order to prioritise male pleasure.

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Take, for example, a study published in the National Journal of Medicine, which found women are up to 25 per cent less likely to be given analgesic pain relief in the ER when presenting with the exact same symptoms as men.

Or another study, published in The Medical Journal Of Australia, which revealed women admitted to hospital with heart attack symptoms are half as likely as men to receive adequate treatment, and consequently die at twice the rate as men within six months of discharge.

Even in the field of research itself, scientists conduct five times as many studies into erectile dysfunction (ED) than PMS – despite the fact ED affects just 19 per cent of men, compared to the estimated 90 per cent of women impacted by debilitating PMS symptoms such as pelvic pain.

Of course fragile men who rely on women’s compliance don’t like me saying this. Women recognising our value jeopardises the very framework they operate within.

One only has to look at the vernacular men have invented to dehumanise sexually enfranchised women for evidence of how threatening we are to patriarchal culture.

We’re “sl*ts”, “loose”, “used-up” and “attention-seekers” (note: none of this language applies to sexually confident men. Conversely, they’re “studs”, “lady killers” and “bachelors” who receive resounding high-fives from the boys).

These terms exist exclusively to shame women out of having the kind of sexual agency and body autonomy that makes controlling us difficult.

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Conditioning women to disregard our comfort, and by default, our pleasure, ensures we set the bar so low for the men in our lives, we ultimately crush ourselves with it.

I know this because the email I receive most from women is one asking for advice on how to “hate” sex with their husbands a little less.

These women have learned their comfort is so insignificant, they’ve resigned to a life of obligatory bad sex. Not “bad” as in boring; “bad” as in painful, demoralising and dehumanising.

It’s never occurred to them that, actually, sex needn’t be this way; they’re not losing out on anything by walking away from a man with whom they find sex soul-destroying. Because we teach women the greatest achievement we’ll make in our lives is to be picked by a man. That that goal is so important, it should supersede our comfort, our happiness, and our connection with ourselves.

“Good” sex isn’t the absence of pain and coercion. It’s joyous, emancipating – sometimes even a revelation, but most importantly, something you really want to do. And dreading intimacy with your husband is a red flag you’ve compromised that in the pursuit of being chosen.

So un-choose him; and choose yourself instead.

Also – and I really cannot stress this enough – buy a vibrator on your way home from the divorce lawyer. You’ll thank me later.

Follow Nadia Bokody on Instagram and YouTube for more sex, relationship and mental health content.