HENRY DEEDES: Forget fireworks…this was Grange Hill meets The Godfather 

Shortly after 5pm, a voice from an undisclosed room in Chequers muttered ‘OK’ and Boris Johnson hesitantly began the latest coronavirus press briefing.

Ordinarily when a leader leers out of a giant television screen to address the nation, comparisons to Orwell’s sinister Big Brother are inevitable.

Not with this particular Prime Minister. That slapstick air of gormlessness that has surrounded him these past few days is far too pungent to allow him to pull off the whole evil genius thing.

Well, this was it. This was supposed to be the big one. The day Boris announced to the country that we were free of all the pettifogging rules and regulations which have been snuffing out any enjoyments over the past 16 months.

This was supposed to be the day Boris Johnson announced to the country that we were free of all the pettifogging rules which have been snuffing out any enjoyments over the past 16 months

Back in January, he must have envisaged fireworks going off late into the night. 

Yet here he was, addressing us from his place of self-isolation after spending too much time with Health Secretary Sajid Javid, who tested positive for the virus over the weekend.

His message to us all was to be cautious. Stay at home if you get pinged. There was a warning too to young people. Get vaccinated or you won’t be able to get into nightclubs come the end of September unless you have been double jabbed. So much for Freedom Day!

We could see only his top half, which was suited. Around his neck was the sort of poorly arranged tie one associates with a Grange Hill character. Beneath, he may well have been sporting a pair of Bermuda shorts. After yesterday’s scorcher who could blame him?

Health Secretary Sajid Javid (pictured in June 2019) tested positive for the virus over the weekend

Who had been the mysterious voice off camera at the start? An IT man most likely there to ensure he didn’t cock it up. Not much of a techie, Boris. 

Probably still struggles to find the ‘send’ button on his computer. Choice expletives, one suspects, are directed at the television remote on a daily basis.

Over in the Downing Street briefing room was Sir Patrick Vallance and Chris Whitty’s deputy, Professor Jonathan Van-Tam, whose colourful metaphors have been much missed after a lengthy absence.

The latter wore a chalk stripe suit which bore a strong mafioso flavour. Whenever he spoke I kept hearing strains of Nino Rota’s score to The Godfather. 

At one point, the PM referred to him as ‘Chris’, confusing him presumably with his boss. Boris really is hopeless with names.

Vallance had little to offer us by way of encouragement. He expected deaths to reach 100 a day quite soon.

He threw up a particularly stark statistic that 60 per cent of the patients who had recently been admitted to hospital had received both vaccinations. Ooh-er. 

Not sure I liked the sound of that, though old JVT later corrected himself to say 60 per cent of admissions had not had their jabs.

There was much questioning from journalists on the decision to allow nightclubs to reopen. Vallance didn’t sound keen on people clubbing. JVT was more sympathetic. 

He clearly has young family members who enjoy going out for a good jive. He pointed out it was the yoof that have suffered a lot to help keep elderly people safe.

Nor did he think it fair to single out nightclubs. He said it was just as bad as inviting someone round to your garden shed for a beer with the door shut. Is that a thing?

Shortly after 5pm, a voice from an undisclosed room in Chequers muttered ‘OK’ and Boris Johnson hesitantly began the latest coronavirus press briefing

Asked whether he was concerned that restrictions might need to be reintroduced in September, JVT was upbeat. He reckoned all would be well as long as people were cautious.

He repeated his advice that people should not ‘tear the pants out of this’ now that restrictions have gone. I think we can safely say the title of his memoirs has already been settled upon.

A slightly raffish-looking sort from The Sun asked Boris whether he would be breaking a manifesto pledge by increasing income tax or national insurance. Boris knew what he was up to. 

He was asking how he was going tackle Britain’s social care crisis. ‘We’ve waited three decades, you’re just going to have to wait a little bit longer,’ he said. ‘It won’t be long now I assure you.’

Sounds to me like a battle with the Treasury is still taking place. By the end of summer, that isolation pod he’s in right now might seem rather alluring.