How to be a happy camper: The wide-eyed beginner’s survival guide

So! You’ve decided to go camping. Perhaps you fell down a wilderness influencer rabbit hole (#campinglife #wanderlust #homeiswhereyouparkit), and thought you’d look pretty cute perched on the front of a canoe, too.

Or maybe you’ve got a year’s worth of vacation days, and anything is preferable to spending them in your balcony-less apartment. Even shivering in the woods, the yips of coyotes — or are those wolves?! — as your only soundtrack, splitting a single granola bar between five people because this camp, it turns out, does not have an on-site restaurant.

And that’s the thing about camping as an innocent beginner: It’s daunting, and for every romantic possibility — naming constellations while lying on a flannel blanket beneath dancing fireflies — there are about a hundred terrifying unknowns. What if you can’t start a fire? How does the washroom situation work? Where does one even camp anyway?!

Relax, says Bruce Kirkby, an adventure ambassador for MEC, the purveyor of all things outdoorsy. “Don’t be afraid,” reassures the wilderness guide, who grew up in Etobicoke but now lives in the mountains of B.C. “Give it a shot, respect nature, and trust in yourself.” And anyway: “You can always call time, get in the car and drive home.”

Read on for his expert advice for the growing legions — seriously: Ontario Parks bookings are up almost 100 per cent year-over-year — of nervous first-time campers.

Where to camp (and how to book)

Get in early. “For your first trip, I would advise against anything that isn’t car camping,” says Kirkby, referring to a campsite you can drive your car right up to. The catch is that booking a campsite in 2021 is a competitive sport, especially if you’re heading to the more popular parks (ones nearish to big cities, like Algonquin and Sandbanks).

This year, bookings at Parks Canada sites — like Point Pelee in Ontario — will open at the end of April for trips starting in May. Meanwhile Ontario Parks sites take bookings on a rolling basis, opening five months in advance at exactly 7 a.m., which means you’re almost certainly too late to spend Canada Day at, say, Bon Echo. But! Keep an eye out for last-minute cancellations, or consider a smaller or more remote park.

Keep it short — and close-ish. “One or two nights is great for your first time,” recommends Kirkby. “The goal on your first trip is to not make it a misery.” Maybe save the 21-day backcountry trek for when you’ve had a little practice? He also recommends aiming for somewhere within a two- or three-hour drive, and if the forecast calls for torrential rain, cancelling. “This isn’t meant to be a hardship,” he says.

Forgo the tent if you can. Tent-building ranks just under divorce and job loss when it comes to life’s biggest stressors. (Anecdotally, that is.) Bypass the tears, and go straight for the “comfort camping” options.

This Parks Canada initiative has equipped sites across the country with “roofed structures.” The newest set-ups include Ôasis pods, which resemble little cocoons, some raised up amid forest canopies or overlooking water. So far, in Ontario, you’ll be able to book them at the Trent-Severn Waterway National Historic Site.

There are also oTENTiks, the pre-erected love child between a cabin and a tent, and the MicrOcube, a sort of square bunkie just over 100 square feet (not yet in Ontario). They’re not quite glamping, but they beat a sweaty, structurally dubious tent any day.

And if you are going the tent route? “Try everything in your back garden first,” says Kirkby. Whether you’ve bought one or borrowed from a friend, put up your tent at least once before you go. Ditto for using your camping stove. “It’s one less thing in the mix when the situation is a little more uncertain.”

How to survive

Dress for the bugs (and the weather). Sure, mosquitoes are annoying, but have you ever had a blackfly bite your neck? Edward Cullen has nothing on these voracious bloodsuckers. To avoid the worst of the bugs, Kirkby recommends camping outside “hellacious” peak insect season, which in Ontario is June into July.

Forgo the 99 per cent DEET spray (a less intense concentration should do), and opt for long clothing and a spritz of Off! or other aerosolized bug sprays. “Wear socks tucked into pants, and a loose cotton shirt with a ballcap and a bandana around your neck. The more you cover up, the less the bugs are going to get in,” he says. While you’re at it, throw in a warm layer for chillier nights.

Creature-proof your site. “Wild animals are way more scared of you than you are of them,” says Kirkby, who’s spent lots of time in bear country. If you’re not staying in the backcountry, you’re more likely to encounter raccoons and mice than grizzlies or mountain lions (although heed the park rules if you are in an area where they’re a concern).

“Food’s the main thing,” says Kirkby when it comes to avoiding an encounter with a raccoon pawing at your tent door in the middle of the night. “The less you have open around your campsite, the less likely animals will be attracted to it.” Seal everything up in plastic containers in your car, clean up grills after you cook and do not — I repeat, do not — store any food in your tent.

Don’t stress about the washroom situ. “Don’t fear the kaibo,” laughs Kirkby, using northern Ontario slang for an outhouse. “The modern facilities at parks are going to exceed your expectations.” Most campsites have toilets and showers nearby that get cleaned regularly, and couldn’t be farther from an eye-watering lean-to with a hole in the ground.

If you do find yourself camping somewhere without even primitive comforts, Kirkby recommends digging a shallow hole to do your business (away from freshwater, and at least 100 metres from the site), and then burning your toilet paper in the fire when you’re done. Avoid washing in lakes and rivers (and use biodegradable soap if you must), and avail yourself of wet wipes if needed.

How to thrive

Let nature — and the parks service — entertain you. Worried about boredom? Don’t. “We’re used to programming our lives, but the nature of nature is that it will provide little things if you’re paying attention,” says Kirkby. “Sit and watch the sunset, or listen to the call of a loon. Cook bacon over a fire and smell that smoke. It just speaks to something in us.”

Provincial and national park services also often have programming (this year, COVID guidelines permitting), like a howling circle at night to try and get wolves to howl back, or a geologist pointing out local rock formations. Explore the trails nearby, and make room for serendipity.

The Star understands the restrictions on travel during the coronavirus pandemic. But like you, we dream of travelling again, and we’re publishing this story with future trips in mind.