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Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a wife struggling to trust her husband after discovering his secret addiction, a mum worried about her son’s porn viewing and how to know if you’re having enough sex.
I discovered my hubby’s secret addiction. How do I trust again?
Question: I’ve been with my husband for eight years and love him to the moon and back. However, I’ve recently discovered that he has a gambling addiction – a really bad one. He’d always managed our finances and I only found out there was a problem when we defaulted on our mortgage. It turned out he’d managed to spend over $250,000 on gambling without me even knowing. After being livid with him, I then realised he has a problem and needs to be helped. We sold our house and have had to completely change our lifestyle to pay off our debts. I am also now in charge of all of our money. The problem is, I’m struggling to trust him after he lied to me for so many years. He seems sorry and says it won’t happen again but how do I know that for sure? Can you please advise me on how best to be in a relationship with someone with an addiction?
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ANSWER: I firstly want to acknowledge you on being willing to work through this with your husband and make the lifestyle changes to deal with this together. It takes a huge amount of commitment, love and courage.
I’m not surprised you’re struggling to trust again. Trust is usually shattered when addiction is present in a relationship. As you’ve mentioned, it isn’t just the money, but the years of being lied to. You’ve also had to endure significant impacts on your lifestyle.
Unfortunately, you can’t know for sure that it will never happen again and his words alone won’t be enough to help you feel secure. There are however things you can do to rebuild trust and enjoy a happy life together. You’ll need both time and consistency for this.
Don’t expect yourself to recover from this quickly. It’s normal to feel the impacts of addiction (and other huge betrayals) for years.
Consider that there are three aspects of recovery from addiction required – his recovery, your recovery and the relationship recovery.
Each will need attention for you to move forward. You’ll find that you go through different phases in recovery, with different issues coming to the surface at different times.
It sounds like you’ve already been able to do this, but remember it isn’t your husband doing this – it’s his addiction. You need to work together with your husband to ensure the addiction doesn’t come between you.
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• Get support for yourself
You’ve been through a lot as a result of your partner’s addiction. Make sure you don’t neglect yourself, your recovery or your own self care. Consider reaching out to your own therapist and/or joining a support group.
• Keep the conversation open
It’s important that you and your husband can share how you’re each feeling – you’re in this together. Consider seeing a couples therapist to help you talk through any unresolved issues and strengthen your relationship.
• Voice your needs
It’s important that you’re able to voice your needs in the relationship. Partners of addicts have often silently neglected their own needs for a period of time. You may need to learn to set healthy boundaries for yourself and to voice your own needs.
• Insist your husband continues to receive his own support
A healthy relationship can be an important factor in long-term recovery and the prevention of relapse. But remember that you are not responsible for his recovery. Make sure your husband continues to seek his own recovery support.
For immediate support with gambling addiction contact the National Gambling Helpline on 1800 858 858 or visit www.gamblinghelponline.org.au
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Help! I caught my teen watching porn
Question: I recently found my teenage son watching porn. I know this happens but what can I do to make sure he isn’t accessing anything dangerous or that will skew his view on what sex is normal?
Answer: I wish there was an easy way to do that, but you can’t monitor what kind of porn your son is watching. There’s a strong chance that he’ll access something that later disturbs him and that his views on what’s normal will be influenced.
Rather than monitor his porn use, aim to balance what he’s seeing online with real education.
Seek out education for yourself and for him so you can have open, honest conversations (at least as much as he’ll let you). Let him know that what he sees in porn isn’t ‘real life’ sex. Offer suggestions on realistic pornography and sex education sites that he can access. I recommend Make Love Not Porn which aims to show real world sex in all its beautiful, sexy humanness.
Also let him know that he can talk to you if he’s ever worried about his porn use.
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Is once a week enough sex?
Question: How much sex is normal? I have it once a week and worry it’s not enough.
Answer: Who are you worried it’s not enough for?
Your partner? Your friends? Enough to keep your relationship strong?
While I can tell you the average number of times couples have sex each week (Australians report having sex once or twice a week on average), what’s more important is what works for you and your partner. The amount of sex couples have will fluctuate throughout their lifetime depending on numerous factors.
I’d invite you to take into account the quality of sex you’re having rather than the quantity. There’s a difference between having sex as a chore and having sex that is wholehearted and loving.
Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.
If you have a question for Isiah, email relationship.rehab@news.com.au
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