What to do if a man orgasms during oral sex without telling you

QUESTION: I am a mature woman who’s 10 years out of 24-year marriage. Since getting divorced I’ve been having a good time out and about and enjoying myself.

All the men I’ve been with before have had the decency to give me a heads-up that they were about to ejaculate, which gives us girls time to get the hell out of there. Always worked, not an issue.

The thing is, within a couple of dates, this guy new, older guy I’m dating just ejaculates during oral with no warning. Is it a well-known courtesy that men give the person notice that they are about to ejaculate when receiving oral? Are there any other unwritten rules around oral sex that I should tell him about?

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ANSWER: Congratulations on getting out there. I’m so glad to hear you’re enjoying yourself and having fun.

I love this question, because we so rarely give ourselves permission to have discussions like this at an older age. But the truth is, we all have questions like this at different stages of our life and relationships.

Norms around sex are constantly changing. Especially if we’ve been out of the game or have been with the same person for a while, it can take some getting used to. Often, different partners will have different expectations too.

Blow jobs are often seen as something women do for men, but they can be something that women themselves enjoy giving. As long as you keep a few things in mind.

Oral sex etiquette: Some rules to follow

I agree with you – it’s generally considered polite to give warning about ejaculation during oral sex.

I reached out to my community to confirm this, and the overwhelming response was, ‘Yes, it’s considered normal and polite.’

The obvious reason is that we can then make our own decision about what we do. Even for women that are happy to swallow, the feedback was that we’d like to have a choice.

But that aside, I think what’s important here is for you is to have a conversation with this man about what works for you.

Communication is key

Especially in a new relationship, good sexual communication is essential. In longer-term relationships, we often have an idea about someone’s preferences, but even that never replaces good communication.

On any given day, we have different sexual preferences. Something that feels good one day might not be what we want the next.

Having a culture of open sexual communication in your relationship allows you both space to share what excites you, to ask for what you want and to say no to what you don’t want.

Good communication creates a container of safety, trust and intimacy between you, allowing greater exploration and pleasure.

It’s useful to be able to communicate both during sex and to have conversations about sex before you even get to the bedroom.

Here are some questions it can be helpful to ask a new partner about sex:

• What do you enjoy sexually?
• Is there anything that’s a complete turn-off for you?
• Are there any sexual boundaries you have that you want me to know about?
• Is there a time when you tend to really want sex or absolutely don’t want sex?
• When was your last sexual health check? Is there anything I should know before having sex with you?
• How can I help you feel safe during intimacy with me?
• What turns you on or helps you feel in the mood for sex?
• What do you enjoy doing for foreplay?
• Do you ever have difficulty reaching orgasm? Is there anything I can do that would make it easier for you?

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Things to consider for an enjoyable experience

• Do you want him to shower beforehand? Some women prefer their men to be freshly showered first, which is pretty understandable.
• Do you have any grooming preferences? I always believe that grooming habits should be preferences and not demands.
• Do you want him to push your head, hold your hair or even pull your hair? For some women, any of these can be a turn-on, but for others a huge turn-off.
• Is there anything you want him to communicate or not communicate during the BJ? Some women like to know that their partner is enjoying it, but for some women, too much talk can be distracting or can feel demeaning.

Practice Safer Sex

Finally, a word on safer sex. If you’re not using condoms, make sure you’ve both had an STI test and are having sex exclusively with each other. Although you obviously can’t become pregnant through oral sex and this may not be a concern for you, a number of sexually transmitted infections STIs are transmitted through oral sex.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sex Therapist and Sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.

If you have a question for Isiah, email relationship.rehab@news.com.au